So I guess this is a Christian blog. But if your version of Christianity was like mine was... you'll understand why it isn't where I place an underline.

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After growing up immersed in what appeared to be happy fundamental Christianity, all I had by the time I graduated high school was a slim understanding of God's great [although somewhat-ambiguous] love, and a very large understanding of how horrible and disappointed God was in me. 

 

But it's not about works Annie. It's about a relationship with God. He loves you.

 

Right, I know. I've got that whole situation highlighted in my Bible, in like three different colors plus a red pen, in all five of my different translations. Then I've got the commentaries on it too, with all kinds of hand-written notes, plus the Greek translation guide left over from my private christian college where I took classes on it. I know all the Bible's Martha-esque characters I remind you of, and the doubting Thomas's and the self-centered Sauls who weren't awesome and got fired.  I know all about the women at the wells and the adulteresses who God loved and even the full modern-day Doctor's account of how much the cross really meant. I've read all the books about love by Max Lucado and listened to all the Hillsong songs, and sung all the Hallelujahs. All.

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I had all the information you should have to make the God thing work for my heart and fulfill my meaning-of-life questions. But it didn't... "work". The last thing I'd experienced in my life was the kind of love and peace that the 

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God was the kind of father who only looked my way when I was on Christian Varsity, and 

 

Christianity was the worship pastor I dated for two years. A Men's Bible Study leader, and community volunteer, who went around the country talking to kids about how much God loves them. He also cheated on me consistently and reasoned, "I'm a sinner. It's no different than when you're jealous or angry. All sin is equal. Get your value from God and it won't hurt you so much." 

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Christianity was the trusted confidant who took my most fragile vulnerabilities and struggles and shared them with the prayer group even though I asked for them to be kept safe and private. Like a game of telephone I didn't know I was playing, for months my personal life was regularly blown open in the name of "prayer".

Christianity was simplistic 

 

 and shared them with . They gathered personal information from me for months and  straight to that person on a consistent basis in the name of "prayer", never letting me know that each . I needed a safe outlet to feel heard and But, "they were just praying for me. 

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Bah! That's not fun to read, right? I laughed as I was writing it because I lived it for so long I'm actually really good at Bible-Versing myself under the Table. But it's horrible! If you love God like I do, you get all squirmy and uncomfortable and just want to give me advice on what the problem is so I STOP IT. God WORKS. PEOPLE WHO LOVE GOD CHOOSE JOY. SO CHOOOOSE. You want me to burst into genuine "the joy of the Lord"- mantras and I get it. Because there IS something wrong: I was all in. I'd get a face tattoo of JESUS if that would help. It wasn't for lack of desire, or lack of try, or lack of Christian curriculum.

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So what was happening?

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I think there's one