My Two Hour Self-Improvement Assignment (A Post for Moms)

I haven’t blogged in almost four weeks, and it drove me crazy every, single, week. You see, this is my outlet, my “self-care”, and my therapy-approved way to not fall into needing my kids to define my worth and value (which is never good, moms). And I know better, besides; taking time away is how I prevent the “I NEVER HAVE TIME FOR MYSELF” mantra from bouncing around my brain too long. Cause if I let it linger, self-pity flourishes and something like this happens: “...oh, you’re stuck in traffic friend? Oh, booooo. So, like, thirty minutes ALLLLL TO YOURSELF just, um, SITTING, you mean? Maybe some music even? Yes, please, tell me all about that tragedy while I CLEAN THE WORLD and hold the phone to my other ear that’s NOT being screamed in by my offspring...”

My stay-at-home-ness created at least an every other month sass break-down - where I just couldn’t “pick my battles” anymore, and an unlovely comment about my life as a stay-at-home Mom would burst out. If it was a month with September-like busy-ness, those stats would rise a little. If it was a month with lots of fancy travel for my husband, with fancy hotels and black-tie gala-party things... Hmm, they’d skyrocket. Like the time he returned from a week in Florida during the middle of our Minnesota winter, when Max was only weeks-old and sicker than sick the whole time. Yeah, that was a biting-my-tongue kind of night.

Now hear me for a second - I’m not talking about the every now and then complaint that all Moms have - because it IS a hard, thankless job sometimes. I’m talking about a lingering and deep resentment and angst that makes you want to run away, but you didn’t take a shower yet (cause you’re a Mom, duh) so there’s nowhere to go. Resentment and irritation you keep battling week after week... where you’re faking sick so you can JUST BE ALONE. For me, that resentment didn’t set in until years passed - and by that time, I had too many kids and responsibilities to change anything. I was over-volunteered, under-slept, and never did anything “just for me”. Max was over a year old before we had a real babysitter. Regular date nights without children? Bah. Those are for parents whose kids are at least two or older.

Can I tell you what years of that will do to your self-worth and soul?

I’ll never forget the therapy session years ago, where I was complaining about all the entirely legitimate problems my husband had created in our marriage, and the counselor interrupted me to say...

“So... I’m curious... When do you take time for yourself?”

I laughed, “What do you mean? Remember, I have two kids under three. And, um, I’m a stay-at-home Mom. My husband travels. I don’t do self-stuff, obviously."

“Annie. You need time where you’re not responsible for your kids.”

“I get my own time. After my kids go to bed - I read.”

“No. Like, off the clock time. Not even on call. Time when someone else has your kids and you do something just for you. Not grocery shop, not work - go get your nails done, go do a hobby, go for a bike ride.”

“Ummm... yeah, I don’t need that. I don’t get my nails done, I don’t ride a bike. Listen, the last thing I need is forced time to sit around and think about how much I have to do, and how much I’m not allowed to do it. That’s not what I need. I need a PROGRAM, an assignment. Tell me how to not feel like I don't matter.” (I love counseling because they can’t fire you as a person. You can say what you really think and they just flowwww...)

“Two hours a week, and two hours on the weekend, just for you. This is your assignment. Your husband or a babysitter takes over all responsibility for the kids and you leave. You can’t stay home, you can’t run errands for anyone else’s needs. You have to do something just for you.”

“I don’t have time for that. Our weekends are full of sports and events and... life. I don't understand why this matters.”

“Do you want a healthy thriving life? Make time. Quit stuff.”

Now she was going to be mean about it. FINE. I’ll do her stupid assignment.

It was such a struggle - torturous at times almost. I’d start out the two hours trying to focus on me, but always end up meal-planning or list-making. I just couldn’t find a rhythm, and had no idea what to do. We had no money besides, because we were spending all of it on a fancy counselor who didn’t even know anything. I was bitter and annoyed. And all my friends are at home with their kids... what the heck was I supposed to to??

Bike? Ugh, fine, I’ll bike. I can check off the box and come back to counseling for my Participation Victory, and I’d only have to ride it like five times...

I hadn’t biked since I was like sixteen, because biking was boring. I just wasn’t A Biker. I'm the person that gets really annoyed when bike people pretend they're a car and do turn signals and stay in my car-lane so I have to go 10. But Mountain Biking? At least no one could see me right?

My whole concept of “Mountain Biking” was the teenager version of riding on paved trails and roads but having a tougher-looking bike while you did it. That's about the only difference. Your wheels looked fat and rugged, so... you were a Mountain Biker. That was it. I mean, come on: we don’t have mountains in Minnesota, folks.

But I had to prove to this lady that I wanted to figure life out, so I got a used bike, figured out where a trail was where no one would see me in my ridiculous helmet, and I left. FINE. Assignment completion, here I come...

Years later, and I still haven’t stopped.

I returned to counseling weeks later with a smirk, and a Thank You, with tears. Somewhere deep down I had believed that “just” being a Mom should have fulfilled me in all areas. That there was something wrong and selfish about the fact that my children’s sweet love and smiles were something I needed a break from now and then. I shouldn’t need time away, time to be JUST ME, right? But there has been no greater contributor to my happiness and relationship with God, and therefore my family and marriage, than taking those silly two hours every week. The things that have happened on those bike rides in the middle of our Minnesota woods have lifted me out of the darkest pits sometimes. It’s just a place where God can reach me for some reason. If it’s cold or too late for biking, I’ll play the piano for two hours. If my brain is full, I blog :) And when I skip taking this time, like I did this month without meaning to... everyone suffers. I’m just not the friend and mother I want to be.

Sometimes I still get the, “Oh really? Wow, yeah - we don’t have time for that,” comment when I tell my other Mom friends about my two hours. I wonder if they think I'm selfish. There’s a crazy shift that happens in the brain of an overworked Mom, when she discovers her value isn’t just in what she contributes, and takes care of. But just in who she is too.

Try. You'll see <3