Kryptonite, Tote-Bag People, and What God Really Wants

Originally, I was planning on skipping blogging this month all together. Reason being that my brain was already devoted to worrying about all the things that are happening in the next couple weeks - things that I really, REALLY, don’t want to mess up on. And even though worrying about things I don’t want to mess up on is not particularly fun or useful, I still do it. [Yes, it’s dumb, I know]. So instead of blogging, I’ve been spending all my extra minutes lately talking to God instead. Which - when I’m really, seriously, needing His peace - looks like me laying face down on my unmade bed, head buried in my pillow, trying to drown out the sounds of my kids fighting downstairs with: “Okay. God. GOD. I NEED YOU. Help me to just....”

But oh my gosh. Every time lately, without fail, when I get to that point a kid bursts in, saying there’s something emergency-like happening downstairs, and I have to come RIGHT AWAY. (Which is usually just Ellie not sharing, or Ellie eating a chip when those are for lunch, not breakfast.) So my alone time with God to work on not worrying is already over - if it ever started. The fear is lingering, and now I’m adding crankiness to that too because, for real, can I just be by myself FOR TWO SECONDS.

But for real, I needed that alone time. Next week, I’m going to stand in front of a whole bunch of Christians and talk about the God I can’t live without. How He redeems things. And while the talking part is my favorite thing to do in the whole wide world, standing in front of a whole bunch of Christians kind of isn't. It's my Kryptonite - I get all squirmy and loopy inside. Give me a whole sports arena full of broken messy people who don’t know God yet, and I’m pumped up and ready forever... but Christians? The Scary Factor rises. All it takes is two perfectly dressed Christians looking right at me at the same time to feel the squirm. Yes, I’m a big confident adult now, and I’ve spoken at other churches before and got to practice not getting squirmy... but you guys, this is THE church. The one I grew up in. The one I practiced Perfect at more than any other. The one I failed at more than any other. It’s like the mother-lode of all my insecurity in one place.

Oh Jesus. Hug me. Help me be Good Enough.

So I’m worrying. And my kids aren’t helping. And I’m sitting on the couch next to them while they watch TV, ruminating about how I’m just not impressive enough to talk about God at mother-lode churches. And how, if I was really super-spiritual, I wouldn’t be worrying in the first place cause I’d be more grounded in God and all that...

But my kids' TV show distracts me for a second - it’s kind of like Sesame Street with puppets and cartoons, but with the sweetest little God messages, created by the guy that invented Veggie Tales. It makes me laugh so hard sometimes, and it’s about to again:

“[character 1] Ever since I was little I wanted to do Big Things for God.

[character 2] Well some people are Big Things people, and some people just answer the phones and send out tote bags.

[character 1] But I don’t WANT to be a tote-bag guy! I want to be a Big Things guy!”

And it’s hilarious. And I get what he’s saying - I don’t want to be wimpy, I want to be better than that too. I really want to make a difference here. It’s like after years and years of being bailed out of life’s hard stuff by your best friend, you’re finally put in a position where you can do something FOR HER for once. That’s how I feel about God - the idea of getting to do something for him IS SO AWESOME and fulfilling. This is why I blog - I can’t help it. But sometimes I feel like I’m just a tote-bag guy in a Big Things world, and the fear of being Good Enough is my constant shadow.

So I pause my worrying for a second because I want to see how my kids’ puppet show guy is going to work it out. How is he going to solve this adult-worthy problem? Maybe since I didn’t get my prayer time, God can hook me up with some worry-free strategies from a fake person. I’m sure the ending will be cliche - like, he’ll answer the phone and save someone’s life somehow. At which point I’ll just have to go back to worrying about being inadequate again cause that doesn't work in real life, and I'm still just a tote-bag guy...

And, YEP, someone does call, and they do need help. And the lead character gets his chance to do a Big Thing for God and save them. And I’m all “oh it’s cute”, but thinking how when my kids get older, I’ll have to explain that it doesn’t always end up that way. How sometimes doing a Big Thing for God is just being nice to your kids when you don't feel like it cause they interrupt eight times in a row. That it wont always end perfect with feelings of fulfillment and Good Enough-ness, kids, it just wont.

But the show doesn’t end that way. He goes and saves the universe and all that - like any kid show does - but surprisingly, a new character is introduced that says that’s not the point. And I’m totally caught off guard...

“[character 1] God wants us to do Big Things! That’s why he made us! To do stuff for Him. TO SAVE THE WORLD!!

[new character] Um. No. God doesn’t want us to DO anything. He just wants YOU. To be with you. He loves you - not because of what you can do for Him, but because He made you. As a matter of fact, he loves you even when you’re doing nothing at all.”

Then he takes the poster the guy had hanging in his cubicle “God wants you to do BIG things” and rips off the bottom half, so all it says is “God wants you..

And I totally feel like I got the hug I needed. From a puppet guy on TV.

You guys, I know this stuff. At least I know it in my head. But it’s so hard sometimes to not get trapped in the fear of being Good Enough that I forget that God isn’t after that in the first place. I don’t think the character meant that we can just sit at home on the couch and watch puppet shows all the time, and not do anything. It’s more the simplicity of God just wanting us, not our perfection - and that doing things as a natural response to that is the only good motive. Every time I remember this message of God just loving BECAUSE - no strings attached - it takes away my squirmy, loopy, kryptonite-ness. Maybe I’ll mess up. Maybe I’ll make mistakes. Maybe people wont agree with everything I say. Maybe they’ll think I’m not qualified. Maybe I'll crumple up into a ball and just cry on stage. But whatever - if God’s good with me, I'm good. And HE IS, tote-bag and all. He's going to work it out.

(But, um, there's no Delete Button when you're speaking. And I've used that like 8 million times for this post.

But I'm good.

I'm good. :)

If you don't have a church home, and you want a place where you don't have to fake perfect... COME. You're my people. We all need each other ;)

http://www.cvchurch.org/connect/adults/women/she-night.html