The Reward of Telling ALL Your Secrets, & The Vulnerability Hangover

I haven’t blogged in weeks. And that’s a really bad idea when you suddenly have a bunch of new readers who just joined cause you spoke somewhere. But every time I approached my computer, it was like an allergic reaction I couldn't control: OH JESUS I’M NOT READY.

See, I did my whole speech-thing, and it was super fun and fulfilling! But, um, unexpected-ish. Let’s just summarize with the fact that I said what I planned to say... plus a whole lot of things I DIDN’T plan to say. And the fact that it wasn’t recorded is my favorite fact of the month. Not because they weren’t all truths that I believe in 100%, but because things I haven’t even blogged about yet - things about my marriage and story - just... CAME OUT. Friends say, “well, Annie, that must’ve been what God wanted you to say then...”, to help out- sweet things. But, well, I didn’t have enough faith there to make it true.

Instead, I’ve had a really big Vulnerability Hangover for the last four weeks, so I had to lay low. Cause those? Well, they make you WEIRD. Ready?

The way admitting my imperfect usually goes, is that I start with the little things, and then move into the bigger ones later *ONLY* if all is good and well so far. Under normal life circumstances you have the opportunity to test the waters a little first: if people handle it relatively well when you admit that you maybe, sort of, had a tiny argument with your husband on the way to church that ONE TIME... you might then feel safe to admit you fought on the way home too. And if people can handle that you feel a little bit, you know MAYBE, angry at God because life was super confusing and overwhelming for a couple minutes... you can then admit that, well, it was actually ALL WEEKEND that was the case. You know what I mean? If you get really super lucky, you meet people who can handle your water-testing all the way to your Big Bad Stories, and it’s like heaven on earth that you found them, for real.

But sometimes, well - a lot of times, people don’t know how to do that. And that is the most lonely thing about living in this world, post-realizing that Faking Perfect is not for you. A lot of people just don’t want to go there.

Go to your 90’s playground with me for a second (you know, before see-saws were banned because they were so dangerous) and remember what it was like getting on a see-saw with someone you didn’t know well. It was risky, right? Let me skip all the symbolism about being too heavy or too light (even though it’s really teasingly applicable) and just jump straight to the scariest part: you’re up in the air being vulnerable first, and have no idea if they’re going to be awesome and return vulnerability [up in the air themselves] or suddenly abandon ship and let you crash to the ground like you have NO FRIENDS. Right?!? You know what I’m saying! It’s the worst, EVER. I get all squirmy just thinking about it. I mean, come on: tell me how to avoid the double-bounce on my rear when I come down SO HARD, with NO FRIEND.

But here’s my truth: in all my time doing the water-testing thing the last couple of years, I decided that it just takes too long to be afraid of crashing. I can dance around being vulnerable for weeks and months and just talk about the weather and my job and my kids... but I get so darn impatient to talk about Real Life after everything I’ve been through, that I go crazy. I’m totally that awkward person who just can’t handle ONE MORE WIKI FACT cause I want to get to the rest of it already. Tell me about YOU, pleeeease.

Now, before you un-invite me to everything, I’m appropriate at social gatherings and talk about the weather really nicely [*most of the time*, and when I’m forced to]. But if we talk one-on-one, like go out for coffee, the Vulnerability See-Saw will be immediately initiated. Even if I have to sit up on my end being vulnerable the whole time, feet dangling in the air cause you just haven’t decided yet if you’re in, and even if you’re going to get off and let me crash cause it’s just too much....

And that’s kind of exactly what happened when I was speaking. I’m up in the air [on stage] doing my big vulnerable thing, saying alllllll these things that were supposed to stay secrets for a while still... and I realize no one can return vulnerability even if they wanted to. Because, well, I’m ALONE. And, um, I have no training on being alone before, while I’m telling *all* My Ugly out-loud. And I can’t test the waters cause the lights are bright and I have no idea what people are thinking about me and all of it all.

Okay, so of course the afterwards was a huge see-saw in a way - I mean - people still liked me, you guys - somehow - and for the moment anyway. Within all my old “Fake Perfect Fake Perfect!”-tendencies, I almost half expected a mini-meeting might need to occur before people could decide if I was still acceptable after that. [Old habits die hard, and faking a perfect Christian was one I did WELL, and FOREVER]. But I met some new incredible people (Tana, you put a big safety net under my See-Saw pretty much <3 And Laura, Patricia, THANK YOU for making me not alone) and all my favorites gave me “I still love you hugs”...

But then it was time to go home and just be a normal person. No big deal. Go to bed, wake up in the morning...

WAIT. Wait, what did I SAY?!

No. No, noooo. Oh, my, gosh, I SAID that??

For the love of everything I was never going to do....

The Vulnerability Hangover set in. HARD. The See-Saw came down, and I did the double-bounce like a PRO. I was seriously the emoticon with the horror

white eyes: hands on my cheeks, asking myself WHAT IN THE WORLD was I thinking?!?

You know how people who overdose on alcohol wake up the next morning and swear they’re NEVER EVER going to drink again? Cause it’s so bad? Yeah, that was me. I was never going to be vulnerable again because I was SO MUCH. Blogging my real?? It was over. No way. That church event I had already committed to going to the following Wednesday there? Not anymore. I would just hide instead. Done deal. See you in my bed under the covers, bye.

Well, okay, I went on Wednesday... cause I’m an adult and all that. Or maybe it’s just that I was forced to get over it quick because I was helping design a women’s event there too, two weekends later - and no one can scare me away from those. But, you guys, it’s taken me four weeks, and a lot of super amazing and loving Christians, comments, and messages to really get that hangover to subside. Hangovers make you weird and paranoid and irritable right? Well, my regular loud and quick-comeback self was socially awkward multiple times, and social things are MY THING. If someone walked by without saying Hi, you know CAUSE THEY DIDN’T SEE ME, I’d go into a spiral of feeling like my whole story was just one, big, NOT OKAY. I even worked extra hard to not look like a tired mom so that at LEAST I had un-crazy hair or something. Hey, if my story was too much, I could still dress myself, and that’s a big deal sometimes.

So, you know, basically like high school in a way worse way. Cause I was a total Crazy insecure person, and I didn't think that happened anymore. I hadn't felt like that since... I don't even know.

But then... slowly... this other feeling started creeping in. As the reality of STILL BEING LOVED set in by some wonderful people, a new freedom came, too. You guys - so many of the people I run into on a daily basis now know my *full story*. ALL OF IT. The very ugliest of me - they KNOW. People I hadn’t even met at the time, but know now? THEY KNOW. Like, they still AGREED to get to know me, even knowing I’m really super messy beforehand. I mean, I could explain away the people who already knew me, and just had to put up with it since we were already friends. But hey, NEW people could handle my full story? What?? Ha. I know it sounds ridiculous. We all know it sounds nice on paper, and should be expected, but to experience it in real life is a totally different thing.

As much as I’ve experienced the love of God, and as much as I know He knows all the worst about me and loves me still... I realized after this that deep down I always thought that if people knew my full past - and my complicated today - I’d be rejected mostly. It’s like my five-year-old self hung onto that as truth my whole life - it was just unavoidable: people couldn’t like the ugly, real me. People could never accept me as I was, ever. Especially Christians. And here’s the thing: sometimes they still can’t - rejection still happens. The See-Saw is still dangerous. But you know what? People rejected me when I faked Perfect too, so at least I can enjoy being the Real Me if it’s going to happen. And every time I end up telling my whole Big Bad story, and I get the honor of hearing someone else’s story in return? It’s a way of life that I wouldn’t trade in for all the Perfect-Life-I-Used-To-Want -s, in the world.

When I walk through the doors of my church, I'm the same messed-up person who walked out the doors of my home that morning. I'm someone who struggles with insecurities and fears and wounds and sometimes need someone strong to help me. Sometimes I don’t know how to figure out my kids, and I need help. Sometimes I don’t know how to fix LIFE, AND NEED HELP. You guys I need help so much. But now, there’s no more working hard to hold my spiritual breath, hoping none of my big needs for help, slip out. No more wondering if my closest relationships would end if they knew THE TRUTH. It’s just out. It’s the most amazing freedom you guys.

You've really got to find someone safe to see-saw with. You just have to try it :)